Midway through the non-stop studying and essay writing, there arose a need for a break. That break took the form of a 16-man FIFA 13 knockout tournament with a mix of roommates and intramural teammates (we lost in the quarterfinals in the intramural playoffs... maybe I forgot to mention that before). Anyways, the invitation was sent out, and 15 glory-hungry Boston College students arrived around 7:30 PM earlier this evening (Saturday) to duke it out (one of our Spanish-speaking roommates feared he would shame himself and his family by losing, and dropped out with little warning, giving Patrick a first-round bye). Attire for the event was suit and tie. Rules for attire were loosely enforced. After about three hours of yelling, Torres jokes, and quality simulated football, we arrived at the final match, staged in London's one and only Wembley Stadium. Barcelona (Frank) vs. Arsenal (me, somehow). After a quick two goals midway through the first half by Theo Walcott and Lucas Podolski, Arsenal was looking strong. However, even the home-field advantage could not hold back the silky goal machine of Barcelona. A quick goal before half, and two more in the second secured them more silverware, despite Gervinho's heartbreaking shot off the post and Walcott's late header over the bar.
FIFA Formal, as we called it, was not a normal tournament. There were some added rules for football flavor, taken from the wonderful, creative playground of the internet. These are known as FIFA Apology Rules. They read as follows.
Lose by the following number of goals and face the following consequences:
5 - Write a Facebook apology to your opponent praising them for their brilliance.
6 - You must kiss the feet of your opponent.
7 - You must make your opponent a tasty sandwich.
8 - You must be the slave of your opponent for an hour.
9 - You must eat a tablespoon of various kitchen ingredients of your opponent's discretion.
10 - You must send a Moonpig apology to your opponent
11 - Winning player gets 11 minutes on the losers Facebook to do whatever they wish (No changing passwords). Whatever is put on there has to stay for at least 11 hours.
12 - You must play the next game fully naked
13 - You have to go to your next door neighbours and start describing the game in its full detail, minute by minute, and where fundamentally you went wrong; if they shut the door move on to the next house and pick up where you left off.
14 - The person must wear a custom t-shirt, designed by the winner, it must have on the back, " I lost by 14 on Fifa 13 " on the front, it can have what ever the winner desires. The loser must then walk around town explaining to 14 different people why they have lost so badly and get them to sign the t-shirt. A picture must then be uploaded to facebook with the T-shirt on for further abuse.
15 - You must send a letter to FIFA explaining in great detail why you lost by 15 goals.
20 - You are not allowed to play FIFA, ever, ever, EVER again.
Player Rules
Score a hat trick with Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink against someone else and they must refer to you as *your name* of *your town of choice* for a fortnight.
Score a hat trick with Park Ji Sung and your opponent has to jog everywhere he goes, instead of walking.
Score a hat trick with Andy Carroll/Torres/Moura and your opponent must go into a shop and insist on paying more for an item than it is worth.
For every headed goal you concede to Aaron Lennon - you will have 2 slits shaved into your eyebrow.
Score a hat trick with Dimitar Berbatov, and in the next game you play against your opponent, their striker cannot use the sprint button.
Get a man sent off while playing as Arsenal and you must play the remainder of the match blindfolded. If Wenger did not see the incident, then neither shall you.
Lose against Accrington Stanley with any top tier team, loser must reply with "Who are they?" to anything said to him for 24 hours, unless someone says "Who are they?" to which the loser must reply "Exactly".
If you score with Phil Neville, your opponent must go to bed for the rest of the day. PENALTIES DON'T COUNT!
Score with a hat trick with Emmanuel Adebayor against Arsenal - Your oponent must run the full length of the garden and powerslide, regardless of the weather conditions, while all others present pelt with rubbish and leftover food.
Score With a Keeper Twice in One Game - Your opponent must buy you food from a take-out to the value of 7 quid under the name of "Fabianski".
Score with Rory Delap - Your opponent must dry everything with a towel before use for 24 hours
Score a hat-trick with Sotirios Kyrgiakos and your opponent must dress as a Spartan, go into their local supermarket, and shout 'THIS IS SPARTA' until thrown out.
Be awarded 2 penalties in one game with Neymar/Busquets/Suarez - next time you are in town you will fall over dramatically 5 times when brushed by any passers by. If you wish you can scream REFFFFFFF while falling.
Score the winning goal with Ryan Giggs against Arsenal and your opponent must replicate the celebration in your local street - swinging the shirt above the head is a must!
A brilliant bit of human creative genius, that. If you notice in the following photo, PSG lost to Barcelona 7-2. Here is what a FIFA 13 Apology looks like (an original creation!)
Dearest Frank,
This past Saturday night, I did you the great disservice of wasting 10 minutes of your time in challenging you to a FIFA 13 match. It was with great hubris that I attempted to fell the mighty tree that is your FIFA prowess. Like the foolhardy Icarus, I ventured too near your burning sun of skill that gracefully sheds its warmth on us all. Gods should not be challenged, rather they should only be revered. So I, with a heavy heart, do intend to remain humble forever more.
Sincerely, Airen [middle name] [last name] (esq.)
Final Bracket
Oh, and there was a big meteor shower on Friday night at 2:00 AM. That was cool.
